Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
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I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
as is their right
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.