Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
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Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Morning my dudes.
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Which is it, brain?
Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”