“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
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*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired
