Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
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I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
(True)
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.