Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go

Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.

Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.

When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting

ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?

ME: Barry Bombs

Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.

No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.

If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.

Wife: We’re going to have a baby!

Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?

Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human

The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.

I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.

why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?

Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.

Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.

first date idea we go to marriage counseling

This joke is 7 years old

My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?

*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village

One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us