EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
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I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
this was very charming
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.