Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….

Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.

When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.

Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same

[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.

[after first date]

Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again

Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

good morning

ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings

GENIE: dude

I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.

*Arrives at the barbers*

“I’d like some highlights please”

*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*

[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.