@TheTweetOfGod
@3sunzzz
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
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@3sunzzz
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Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
@TumbIrHumor
the goat of all dad jokes
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My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
@TumbIrHumor
@canadasandra
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
@jwPencilAndPad
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
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Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
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@_Ms_Moneypenny_
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
@hellolanemoore
2020 was supposed to be the year of flying cars, and instead it’s the year Americans learned they’re supposed to be washing their hands.