A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
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Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
black phone good
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
*frowns in Scottish*
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
I mean…but I did
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet