@TheTweetOfGod

Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.

You Might Also Like

@3sunzzz

[8am, phone rings]

Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.

Me: No worries, I have vodka.

@VikingJonesy

Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire

@Donna_McCoy

My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.

@canadasandra

Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.

@jwPencilAndPad

There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.

@jordan_stratton

Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”

Cat: “Oh my god…”

@_Ms_Moneypenny_

The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.

@hellolanemoore

2020 was supposed to be the year of flying cars, and instead it’s the year Americans learned they’re supposed to be washing their hands.