Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.
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HER: this isn’t working out
ME: *putting sock puppet away* was it something he said?
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Just reported a car as being stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the rear window are white.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”