@summerofbenny: I have a huge gash in my forehead. I'm going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.

@tarashoe: a proper response to girl calling "amy?" in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON'T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE

@just1fool: It's like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"

@Kyle_Raney: How to open a letter: 1. Carefully remove seal 2. Slide your finger unde--okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO

@stephenjmolloy: <enter password> ikilledaman <password must contain a number> *7 hours later* ikilled2men