Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.

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[8am, phone rings]

Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.

Me: No worries, I have vodka.


Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire


My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.


Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.


There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.


Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”

Cat: “Oh my god…”


The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.


2020 was supposed to be the year of flying cars, and instead it’s the year Americans learned they’re supposed to be washing their hands.