@TheTweetOfGod
@envydatropic Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
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@envydatropic 
@awkwardphilippe [during sex]
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: *putting sock puppet away* was it something he said?
@JoroPotential “You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
@saidpac Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
@DirtMcTurd Just reported a car as being stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the rear window are white.
@sixfootcandy Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
@AskAuntieEm1 I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
@Kica333 A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”