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Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Every damn time
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be