Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once

What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed

Emotional Fruit:

The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You

Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others

I: and your greatest strength?

Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority

The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind

Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos

Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

*Daycare drop off*

4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.

When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set

NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead

ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time

God: you’re a dove.

Dove: ok.

God: do you know what that means?

Dove: white pigeon?

God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.

Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?

*first date*

Him: You have a very defined jawline.

Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.

Thinking outside the box.. 😅

my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case

The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?

My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

I wish this was real life…

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir

shazam but for random noises outside