Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
You Might Also Like
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Mornin
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes