Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
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[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.