EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
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Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go