Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
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Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
