*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
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ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip