@BellesJar

Everybody thinks Australians are laid back until one of us is standing over you with a chainsaw asking you to pronounce Aluminium correctly.

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@Parkerlawyer

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

@Darlainky

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

@misfarber

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

@AndRyanTF

I’m not high! – high people

I’m not drunk! – drunk people

I’m not lying! – lying people

I’m not gay! – my brother

@Tmoney68

If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.

@SondraDeeMe

Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.

– things my BF and Uber driver say to me

@jonnysun

noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”

@Sickayduh

In his defense, everyone sounds drunk when they say “I’m Shia LaBeouf”

@TeflonPawn

Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

@Rollinintheseat

My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”

My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”