Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway

Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too

If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE

My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.

Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!

Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.

If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please

She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked

Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures

Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.

Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.

”How’d you get that scar on your head?”

[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]

”Stopped a bank robbery”

if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.

They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.

-inspirational tweet

[supermarket]

Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!

Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*

M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me

M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!

M: *peels a cheddar slice from…

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”