Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
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One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
bugs when you lift up a rock
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Cndnsd Mlk
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
