Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
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It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time