Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Math at Halloween.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
