Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
I was making a coffee in the office kitchen, and now a woman I work with calls me “Coffee Man!”
I have 1 coffee a day.
Offices are hell.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
