Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
