Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
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Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
A rich person walking around like “oh my, where are my manors?”
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
I’d like a simple burial. I only want to be mummified and have a tasteful pyramid placed on top of me.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.