Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
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Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
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Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
i think both sides are to blame here
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent