Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
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Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.
“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I have to consciously stop myself from ending all my work calls with “love you bye”
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.