Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
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WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
🤷♀️
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.