Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
You Might Also Like
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream