Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
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Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Breaking news:
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while