Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
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The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!
Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
The struggle is real.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.