@IGotsSmarts

Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.

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@venmo4feet

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

@jus4golf

You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[at the bar]

Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!

Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol

@Kyle_Lippert

Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO

@trentistweeting

The amount of tinder matches I’ve gotten has skyrocketed since I changed my interests from “Murdering” to “Not Murdering”

@truegritrumble

HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.

@liv_thatsme

*calling my sister while leaving the salon in tears*

Sister: What happened? Did they ruin your hair?

Me (between sobs): No, my hair looks great, but my stylist talked to me the ENTIRE TIME

@insignificuntxX

Spanking, choking, and hair-pulling are old hat. If he’s not down to run me over with a bus, I’m not interested.

@AbbeYaar

Just accidentally used yahoo to search for something. I think the entire Yahoo! Search staff are having a party and high fiving each other.