Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
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hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
dutch so unserious
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.