@IGotsSmarts

Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.

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@3sunzzz

If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.

Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!

@the_paramedicK

*proposes to girlfriend*

*accidentally drops ring in the street*

“I’ll still marry you”

Sorry, I’m married to the streets now

@SonOfCha

I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.

@GlennyRodge

Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time

@Parentpains

If by loves to travel you mean secretly following you every where you go from a safe distance then yes I love to travel.

@atDevin

Happy Let’s-Pretend-This-Relationship-Is-Still-Working Day

@Bexyful

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.