Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
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My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Better luck next time champ
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence