Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making

Customer: can you help me?

Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?

When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.

Smile Twitter, Smile.

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland

Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it

5: You should just send me

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!

Her: ok….. you pick the place

Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught

My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.

where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away

Me: this would be better without the raisins in it

Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins

Website: Are you a robot?

Me: *sighs* Man, if only.

*flicks cigarette after a long drag*

Here’s the thi—

*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.

I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.

[rooster sits down in barber chair]

Give me a cockadoodledo

Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?

Me: idk, two, three hours?

Cop: you have fifteen minutes

Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude

Cop:

Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.

Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.

10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.

EARTH:

SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”

We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.

[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.

‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body

Me checking my bank balance online.