Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”

Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.

Wife: ” What’d you do today?”

Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”

18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese

If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.

Me: Knock knock.

Psychic: Ha! Good one.

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”

I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.

SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore

it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name

Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?

Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’

I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.

Me: Not until you turn the heat down.

JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape

Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks

scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention

this is one of the funniest videos of all time

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.