Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
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I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
A family that plays together cheats.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
dril cadence
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”