Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
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Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
time machine? you mean a clock?
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
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KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
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Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.