Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs

So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer

Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.

I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?

Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”

Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL

Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.

Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?

Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.

If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??

[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese

I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!

Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”

If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.

Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”

I said no… OnlyFans

We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock

I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…

I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!

I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.

I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.

me: can I get 20 nuggets and–

priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru

me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite