everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
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I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Don’t tell me what to do
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
