Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: do you gift wrap

drug dealer: what

*3.5 thank you very much.

Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right

There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.

My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*

We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.

3% human
97% stress

Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

all bases covered

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.

10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.

My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo

Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)

gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding

Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.

If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.

[emergency room]

NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?

ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts

WIFE: I hate you