Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
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Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers