Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
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Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
mandolin: finally a violin for men
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow