everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
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When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?
I have never related to anyone more.
I am also baked goods
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”