everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
You Might Also Like
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Steam Forums
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.