Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
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Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Well, that didn’t work.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
my favorite genre of twitter
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
