Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
You Might Also Like
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.