Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream

Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

GUY: *cuts me off in traffic

ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon

Alice: I’m late.

White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line

Alice:

White Rabbit:

Alice: *stares*

White Rabbit: oh shit

you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat

love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard

It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.

-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.

Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.

paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured

me: [only hurt my leg] what

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if

Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.

my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice

Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*

Me:

a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit

The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes

Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.

Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.

Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

Saving my good tweets for marriage

Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!