Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag

Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.

Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.

My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.

Me:

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.

Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.

I checked.

I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me

God: you’re a llama.

Llama: I look ridiculous.

God: why do you say that?

Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.

God: that’s not true.

Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (

God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.

Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.

[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.

What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

I’ll eat when I’m dead

– zombies

If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…

Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.

WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.

Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.

#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place

*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother

i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.