Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
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How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”