in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
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7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Can’t, holding a grudge
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Not today. 😅
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting