Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ

[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

son: dad, can you spell upside down?

dad: yes but it does make me dizzy

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened

Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday

In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.

I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.

Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.

Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.

“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything

Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”

my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store

A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.

❤️❤️❤️

Me: What did you do at preschool?

3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.

Me:

3-year-old: I need to lie down.

Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*

This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself

Coffee: hi

Me: hey

*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*

Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?

Me: 69.

Interviewer: That’s not even close.

Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?

Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?

Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to

My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”