Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep

The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.

I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since

Double negatives are never not confusing.

When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.

Me being confident.

I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?

ME: *burps a little under my breath*

MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless

So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.

“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.

Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…

I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids

My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.

Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%

Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work

Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way

ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!

wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd

“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.