“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
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[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
buys donuts instead
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery