Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.

[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.

@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?

When it comes to depression, sighs matters

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me

I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.

[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*

when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing

[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?

Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.

Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?

No mate, a landline 🙄

Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”

Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”

Waiter: what can I get you?

Me: I’ll have what she’s having

Her: two divorces then please

So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.

This is my life.

purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.

cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.

Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?

Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.

Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?

Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes

They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.

Mornin

Hunting for buried treasure but it’s just me cleaning underneath my couches