“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
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me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out