“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
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Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Ugh but profoundly
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
awesome draft from months ago i just found
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My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
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Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes