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[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol