Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
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I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.