Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
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If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻♀️
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it