Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.

How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.

I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.

Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??

mom: everyone has to learn to swim

kid: even jesus?

mom: of course

jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda

“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.

dream blunt rotation

Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.

I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered

Thinking of having kids?

Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.

You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all

Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?

Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.

4: Water!

Me: Ask me nicely

4: Actually, I’ll get it myself

I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.

Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice

My plans: 2020:

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.

What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.

When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

this is one of the funniest videos of all time

Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.