Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

I just post them. I don’t explain them.

[watching Joker]

Joker: ha-

me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now

Joker: -ha

Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.

If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.

ㅤ

At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.

Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America

Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

*House Hunters

“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”

Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

6-year-old: Is it cold outside?

Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.

6: I should stay home.

I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.

I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.

Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there

Her: Do you wanna do it?

Me: Do what?

Her: It.

Me: What’s it?

Her: You know… It.

Me: Oh… I call first player.

Her: Wait, what?

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit

Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.

Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are

In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.