Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
You Might Also Like
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I will never stop laughing at this
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
