Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
You Might Also Like
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Holy crap this is wonderful
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
At least he brought enough for everyone
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow