Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

My reactions

1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.

I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.

* 9 comes in from playing outside*

Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.

9: Ha, not messier than my room.

Me: What?

9: What?

Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it

(At the dentist)

‘Your grinding isn’t good.’

Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.

Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

[before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]

God: you’re a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: w-what was that?

Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.

God: a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: that’s like super annoying.

Baby Shark: hee hee.

God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.

Work from home? I don’t even work from work.

I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.

Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.

my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”

I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.

ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit

Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.

I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks

Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

– cats

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

Them: Party like it’s 1999

Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer