Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
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6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
They’re called werewolves.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
This story is comedy gold 😂
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread