Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Magician: Is this your card?!

Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.

My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff

Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?

God:

Unicorn:

God: technically that’s a tooth.

Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.

I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.

my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes

[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple

“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion

uncle dave has been through hell

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.

Computer: Choose a password.

Me: 9Df6akt86lpd

Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.

I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.

When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.

That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.

Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.

baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions

AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses

ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something

*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.

I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.

Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.