Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living

Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.

ME: where’s your brother?

OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?

ME: *sprints to the basement*

saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone

girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!

Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

gf: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i act like i know everything?

gf: yea-

me: i knew it

I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.

Remember to recycle your pizza boxes

It’s for the Greta good

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.

Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Funeral Director: Please leave sir

Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people

The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me

My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭

Me *enters new password*

Computer: ok

Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?

Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well

Me *crying* that’s not true

Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want

Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁

I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.

Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses

I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.

A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀