Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

News: Hillary won the debate!

My friends: Bernie won the debate!

Trump: I won the debate!

Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!

Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors

Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?

If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.

– Old folks home fortune cookie

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

getting seasonal up in here

i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings

[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”

me: ted is coming over tonight

wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over

me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird

Guys: I’m educated about female issues.

Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?

I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.

Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!

Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!

“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

Architect: so for the bathroom-

Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable

Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap

SPLOOT

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

I always thought a fortress was a female fort.

SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical

ME: Oh no

SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut

I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ

Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.

The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.

No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.

Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.

Don’t ask.

Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe