Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[really awkward birthday party]

FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]

Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?

A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”

I quit my job to become an archeologist.

My career is in ruins.

When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing

I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.

Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up

“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out

Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.

Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!

Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection

Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure

Board Game

10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!

Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*

10: *laughing* OMG!

Me: What?

i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet

I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!