Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right

Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside

It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?

Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?

Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”

Me: “Bet.”

me 2 months after i graduated

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!

Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that

My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”

Me: (singing along with the car radio)

Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?

Me: No, why?

Friend: So you don’t have to.

a lot to unpack here

My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.

I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.

Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life

ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)

A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.

5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?

Me: *cuts it differently*

5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*

Me: Why aren’t you eating it?

5yo: Because it’s not the same!

sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel

Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”

wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost

marriage counselor: what. where is he

wife: he’s probably trying to come in…

[sound of someone running straight into the door]

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.

Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

The Others (2001)

“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her

My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about