Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
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no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*